Our Journey, Chapter 1

Things aren’t as easy the second time around, apparently...part 1

When I took my first step into the lifestyle, I was absolutely insecure, and terrified.

My hubs and I were so far gone, I thought for sure it was inevitably over... and in one final attempt to get his attention, for him to be able to forgive himself for cheating years prior, I jumped.

When I stepped foot into Collettes that night, almost 3 years ago, I was DONE. I couldn’t imagine another day in the life I was living, secluded as I was, and so lonely. When I finally couldn’t take another moment of trying to be so perfect, to please everyone and be the “Good Girl” I was raised to be, I jumped.

No longer caring what anyone else thought, I had to find a way to find myself again so that I could simply breathe! So lost in the coulda, woulda, shoulda’s, I just couldn’t take it anymore. What good did it ever do anyway?

What good was all the time spent in recovery ministry, and church, and in bible and step studies so that I could be that perfect woman, that perfect mother, that perfect wife... when it was all falling apart.

So, I decided to swing. To learn to appreciate myself for who I wanted to be, not for what I was always taught I should be. I made a choice to relinquish the insecurity, the doubt, and the self scrutiny of who I am, and what I looked like, as well as the way that I lived. I had to rediscover me, or else, it would be suicide. I could no longer stand to live life the way things were.

To my amazement, I fit right in. I was accepted, and desired... for exactly who I was in any given encounter...as a unicorn. Since I was separated from my husband, I played as a single woman in the lifestyle for the first 6 months, and it was incredible. I was the queen of chat, nudity, and fucking. I was the one the guys wanted... and I gave and received freely.

Once I shared these changes with my hubs, to say he was shocked is an understatement. King of all vanillas, and loving me unconditionally, as I have him, he began to make changes as well. When we stumbled upon the idea of poly, and swinging, & we saw a way to reconcile our differences, and to make space for who we wanted to be deep down, but had to hide.

Because we were now communicating openly, and without judgement, we were able to put the past behind us, and take steps forward, together, into a new life. A new way of doing everything.

We made a lot of new friends, that first year... had many new experiences both separately and together, and each experience somehow brought us closer together. We began to trust each other again. Our love deepened, and grew as we began to have physical and emotional relationships with others.

3 months into our new life, our children were stolen from us... and those friends, this life, helped us to survive...